It has taken me longer than expected to put words to paper and truly understand how I feel, in order to inspire and reach out to those that have been or gone through a similar situation.
Many women young and old have lost a mother. If you haven’t, no matter what I write in this blog you will never truly understand the grief and despair it brings.
This is a blog post that I feel may only be beneficial to you guys if I’m honest. Sharing an experience that’s heartfelt but keeping hold of a little for myself is important for me.
I pray that what you read gives you an understanding of a testimony of Gods goodness and works, because honestly without him I wouldn’t have been able to make it through.
The 9th of January 2017 marked the 4th year since the passing of my mum.
4 years since she’s been gone but honestly it still feels like it was only yesterday.
It was the tender age of 16, I lost her. I lost her to an addiction that she had been battling most of her life and it had finally taken a toll on her body. From a young age I convinced myself that it was my job to save her. This is something that I sometimes still struggle with today.
The morning that I found at that my mum had passed away my world literally fell a part. My legs gave way beneath me and air knocked out of me, I struggled to breathe.
Some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Some days all I did was cry. Bereavement counselling was helpful but there’s nothing like the support of a loved one. For it was my aunt who comforted me through sleepless night, bathed me, held me.
People say time is a healer, I disagree. Things have definitely got easier with time but the pain doesn’t just disappear.
The battles that I face today is one I probably share with many others. For those that have lost a mother at a young age would agree that outburst of anxiety happen at random moments.
Like when Mother’s Day is coming up, planning a wedding, first pregnancies, holidays and just general experiences.
Constant reminders like smells and places that bring back memories that hold a dose of happiness that leave a lump in your throat and tears behind.
Everything that you were unable to do together is approached with extreme caution as it leaves a feeling of guilt and cheating.
Not only do you mourn absence but you mourn what could of been, what should of been.
This is something that I personally find difficult explaining to others when I find myself crying over something that someone else would think is insignificant.
Is it just me or do you guys also feel the responsibility to keep their mothers name alive? So that they aren’t going forgotten to let the world know that she did exist and she was important.
Today, through the constant battle my aim is to do better. My mum was extremely proud of me, if there was one thing she was proud of it was her children. So I aim to do better. To experience and do things that she didn’t have the chance or opportunity to do. I want to be my mothers success, her achievement, her legacy.
For those that have recently lost a mother, take each day as it comes with patience, adaptation and in time things will get easier.
Be strong, the lord does not give you more than what you can bear.
Talk to someone. Your not alone. I’m here.
Lots of love,
In loving memory of Shere-Kay Williams 1977- 2013. Mother, sister, aunt, cousin.
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