The first time at a young age of 9 when I heard about the idea of university, I knew it was something that I wanted to achieve.
Coming from a family where no one had gone university and living in a foster family were it was encouraged.
My foster mum made it clear to me that I was more than capable.
I worked extremely hard to get into one of the top universities in my field. From studying a level 2 in art and design, fashion pathway to a level 3 in fashion design I passed both courses with triple distinctions. My hard work and passion was recognised with the support of an amazing tutor and my foster mum.
I was then put on a programme that if I completed, guaranteed two interviews of two chosen courses at my top university choice.
There were so many reasons as to why I felt I needed to go university besides better career prospects and not only wanting to be the best in my field.
Making my mother, siblings and family proud was a priority but also proving to others that despite coming from a difficult circumstance it didn’t have control of where I was going or what I wanted to do with my life.
My foster mum malways referred to me being in a race up against people that had a head start. so I was to be proud of completing it no matter what place I finished. This gave me a great understanding of the statistics that I was up against, such as:
. 49% of children in care failed to get 5 GCSEs compared to 7% of all pupils.
. 7% of looked after young people make it to university, compared to 40% of their peers.
I was determined not to fall into these statistics and felt that I had something to prove not only to myself but to everyone else as well.
I remember feeling so confident that I would get into my chosen university because I never wanted anything so bad before. LOL I was so confident that I didn’t even bother attend interviews for the other unis that I had chosen.
So your probably wondering what went wrong or what’s changed ?
I’m not really sure how to explain it and I’m not expecting anyone to completely understand or comprehend the decision I decided to make and I’m not even expecting you to agree with it. But what I am expecting is a level of respect ( so please leave out the intrusive comments) and trust that I am in control and I know what I’m doing.
Despite the passing of my mum who was my reasons behind everything. I was hugely supported by foster mum in pushing through.
The first year of uni I was having the time of my life despite being the only black girl living in halls in Shoreditch, working and studying in Oxford street, I was living and loving the fast life and independence.
The second year was a night mare. Unfortunately my foster mum had a stroke which led to a heart attack and now is brain damaged. After to this, only because of her encouragements did I try to push through. However I was struggling and University started to become tedious, it made me feel heavy, it gave me anxiety and I was depressed. I was no longer motivated or had that drive, I was no longer the top of the class and I wasn’t achieving good grades. I hated it.
At the end of the second year Instead of going into my third year, I decided to take some time out and retake my last two modules.
I thought the time out would do me good. What I didn’t realise that starting again and with a new class didn’t change anything but gave me even greater anxiety.
A couple of weeks ago, I really had to reflect on why I still (not really) attended. Was I doing it for myself or just trying to make others happy and scared to disappoint my family, friends, everyone that thought I was capable but mostly myself. I had never not completed anything in my life. I was constantly questioning if my decision would make me a failure.
It’s not that I no longer think I’m not capable. I’m not saying I’ll never attend university but it’s just at this time it’s not for me.
And since I’ve made my decision, I feel so much more lighter, motivated and happier. So I guess it’s time to take it out my bios.
Lifes too short to spend it unhappy.
So make sure any decisions you make about your life, is for you.
Feel free to message me, if your going through a similar situation.
Lots of love,
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